Intentionally Untitled

This year has been quite the year, to say it simply. A lot has happened these 365 days and I hope that some of these experiences are some that I never have to repeat ever, or at least for a very long time.
People say that God tests our faith during trying times. If that's so then this whole year has been one test after another and I never really got to recover after each previous test before getting thrown into another. It was like I was on this sinking ship going no where trying to stay afloat using a little cup to throw out the water that was engulfing my ship that is my life. I was a losing battle.
To begin the story of this past year, we have to rewind to last August. It was right before the beginning of my 1st senior year of college. Everything in my life was looking grand and happy and all put together. Just the way life should be. And of course, just like any good cinematic drama, we all know that that's the point in the story where things do a flip and the person's life is turned around.
I won't go into the whole story out of respect for the other people (girl) involved, but this is how it went down, my then boyfriend and I took a break right after the beginning of my 1st senior year. It was hard, especially since we had just celebrated 6 months together. He wanted a break from us to clear his head to be sure that we were right for each other. The whole time he kept telling me how much he loved me and wanted to be with me and that he just needed time alone to figure things out. But what I didn't know is that he had been cheating on me with someone else. And that just BROKE my heart. I loved this guy SO much that I would do ANYTHING for him and this is what he does?! I couldn't understand it. How was I not good enough? I kept asking myself, and him, what she had that I didn't? It hurt even more when rumors about me started going around campus and he stood idly by and let them happen.
I think I'm less angry at the people who were saying the rumors and more angry at my friends who knew what was going on but did nothing about it. No one said anything or did anything to stop it. So this continued well into my second semester. By this time I had become depressed and withdrawn from a lot of things. I hardly went onto campus because I couldn't stand seeing her or the other people who talked about me. It hurt too much and I couldn't understand why I was getting the blame for all this. Things only got worse after my grandpa passed away the end of last January. He was the first family member of mine that I knew that passed away. So starting off my new semester was already a rocky start.
Things were looking better with my boyfriend and I, seeing as he had stopped seeing this other girl... Or so I thought. I guess they didn't actually stop seeing each other until February, which was right around the time him and I were supposed to celebrate our one-year anniversary together. That never happened. He kept saying he needed more time to figure things out. It was always the answer from him-more time. But we acted like we were dating, he treated me like we were dating, we did everything a dating couple did except officially say we were dating. Fast forward to the end of the school year. I was finished with finals, and helping him move back home up north to start his summer at camp. (I never graduated because of the stress from that year's events). I stayed with him at his parents house in his small town up north for a week to spend time with him before he went away all summer for camp. I just remember the last thing he told me as he kissed me goodbye is that he couldn't wait till summer was over so he could see me again and we could be tougher-officially.
That never came. It was about early July when one day I woke up and tried to get ahold of him only to find out he had literally cut me out of his life overnight with no explanation and no warning. My summer consisted of countless fights and arguments with him with me yelling at him begging him to tell me why he was doing this and what I did wrong to make him treat me like such shit (sorry). He was disrespectful to me ever time we talked and it made my life a living hell.
I wanted nothing more than to understand why this was happening and no one could seem to give me an answer.
It toke me 2 1/2 months to get all my stuff back from him. And a half-ass apology. I learned that only a little over a month and a half after he dumped me he started seeing a girl that he would regularly flirt with while he was cheating on me. And it just made me so MAD! At him, at myself and at everyone that was involved (or the lack there of). I was mad at him for putting me through this when I deserved so much better, I was mad at myself for believing all his lies. I was upset because I still couldn't figure out WHY I wasn't good enough for him (not that I wanted to be at this point because of how much of a jerk he was). And to top all that off my grandma passed away just a little over 2 weeks after he promised that we could talk when he came to town.... That never happened.
I lost a lot of people I loved this year. My heart had been so broken by so many things- death, disappointments, neglect, disrespect. It has been a test in every part. I regret a lot of my actions last year. I know that I hurt a lot of people too out of jealousy and being hurt myself. There's not a day that goes by that I don't wish that I had acted differently...acted better. I learned this year that I am not a strong person at all. In fact I'm very weak and fallible. I'll be the first to admit that I did a lot of wrong last year. I learned just how much of a sinner I can be. And the truth is, that if I actually wrote out all of my sins, most people wouldn't want to be around me. I'm not as nice as I pretend to be.
While it looks like this story has a lot to do with my ex and how much of a horrible person he is, it's not. It's about me. It's about how this past year God tested me beyond my breaking point. He showed me that I do suck as a person in every way possible. I'm not all sweat and innocent as I come off. There's a lot of evil in me. He broke me past the point in myself where I am so comfortable relying on myself for everything. Relying on my own self in my relationships, in my problems, in my conflicts with other people. God broke me to the point that it FORCED me to rely on Him! And he taught me that in one of the cruelest, most loving ways when my ex-boyfriend cheated on me, lied continuously to me, and dumped me. It made me realize that the only person I can depend on is Christ. He is my true love. He is the one that is continually pursuing my heart. He is the one that will never forsake me when the world seems unsure and troublesome.
And while it hurts to lose people you love, you grow a lot out of it. I have much more sympathy for hurting people. It gave me a passion for people in broken relationships. It made me more accepting of other people's downfalls because I am more acutely aware of my own.
So while this year is one I wish to never repeat, I am grateful for the lessons God has taught me in it.

Christian Boys vs Godly Men

Choose LOVE

Via http://kaideemarie.tumblr.com/ 

"Choose love, even when love is the last thing you want to give, because absolutely nothing you are is your own. You are a product of grace and every single part of you exists simply because He does. He needs to be what people see every single time, especially in those instances when you’re feeling bitter or angry at someone. Especially when all you want to do is leave. Especially when you’ve been disrespected and ridiculed and let down. Always choose the beat of God’s heart over your own, because there are too many cold hearts in this world and not enough that beat to the rhythm of love. You were not created to react to things like everyone else does."

Obvious

Sin. We all do it. And none of us can escape from it. So why do we get caught up in judging others and putting them down just because they sin differently than we do? Why do we judge those whose sin is more obvious- does it make them a worse person just because their sin is more "visible" to the rest of the world?

I'll be the first to admit that I am, on a daily basis, the world's worst sinner. I am a horrible sinner and I am fully aware of how much I mess things up all the time. I mess things up when it comes to relationships, school, work... pretty much anything you can name, I'm bound to mess it up some how. I am the type of person that is really, really passionate about the things I care about and therefore persistent in trying to fix things.... which isn't a bad thing... until I start getting argumentative. I like to be right. And most of the time I probably am right, I just don't know how to pick my battles. I also don't know how to let things go very easily, which means I can become bitter and hold grudges (not healthy, I know) which can cause A LOT of drama. I'm impatient, insecure, selfish, hard to handle, not easily understood, I get jealous easily, I  get hurt easily. I get angry and can lose my temper. I have pride issues and I know I can act like a bitch (sorry for the language). I have all of these things plus thousands more issues. But let me ask something- if anyone, ANYONE, out there can read that list of the things I struggle with and tell me with 100% honesty that they DON'T struggle with any of those things, then they can cast the first stone.

I know I've made mistakes and handled things this year poorly. There are things I could've done a lot differently to avoid all the mess that is in my life now, but I didn't. I messed up. But so does everyone else. Am I saying that just because everybody messes up that it's ok? No, I realize that what I do and say has consequences, but what I am saying is don't look down on me just because my sin is more obvious than yours. I'm not perfect, but neither are you. That's why God sent His Son to die for ALL of us, because we ALL have sinned and fallen short of His glory. I need His grace just as much as everyone else.

I'm fully aware of my mistakes. I don't need others pointing them out for me. I am also capable of admitting them. I find it somewhat amusing that people talk behind my back saying I'm all the things I listed before as if I'm not aware.  It just really frustrates me when people point out all my faults as if they have none of their own. It's the whole "take the plank out of your own eye first" kind of thing...  People are so willing to point out the faults in everybody else BUT themselves.  I'm sorry that my sins are more obvious than most people's and therefore I get scrutinized for it more, but I am a sinner saved by GRACE and my sins are covered by the blood of Christ. I am a redeemed person and that's enough for me!

Worth Something

It's been a while since I've written anything. A lot has happened within the past few months. A lot of growth, a lot of learning, a lot of hurt and a lot of forgiving and trying to move forward. Life is hard sometimes for no reason at all. And it throws us a curve ball when we've least expected it. This year I've had a lot of crap thrown at me and I did not respond well to some of it, which I am not proud of in the least! But I also know that a lot of the crap that I got afterwards I did not deserve and no one should ever have to go through what I went through and be treated like I was. Things were said about me that were far from true and it was because one person had their mind made up that I was intentionally out to get them, when in fact, all I wanted was for my voice to be heard that I was still hurting.

Things got way out of hand so fast and being a very emotional girl, I was caught up in the drama of it all. And I hated that. But what I hated the most is that I was trying to fix things and make things right, but after apologizing countless times, the mean words kept on coming. One can only take what someone says for so long before those words really start to penetrate and do damage. I've always been super sensitive. In middle school I was always made fun of for being a cry-baby. I take that, I know that that is part of who I am. I'm sensitive and emotional. God gave me a big heart. So I really was honestly hurt that I hurt this girl in such a way that it would cause her to act this way to me, but I was also hurt that my sincere attempts to seek forgiveness were thrown back in my face and nothing changed.

That's when the rumors started. Rumors about how I was all of these horrible things (names I won't even mention on here because they're crude and vulgar) I don't know where they came from or who said what, but the thing is that hurtful things were said that WERE intentionally meant to hurt me and tear me down. And this is happening at a "CHRISTIAN" college. My biggest frustration is that no one seemed to stop it. It got so bad that I eventually started avoided campus as much as possible as to avoid running into certain people and to avoid hearing the things people said about me.

Words HURT. And I don't care who you are, or how "tough" you make yourself out to be, if you get called hurtful names for so long, it will break you down and you start to believe that this is what you actually are. I was called a "crazy-psycho ex" and multiple of other things, and I eventually started believing that and hating myself for being that way. I believed that there was something wrong with me and that I wasn't good enough. And that hurt. I felt isolated and alone.

But then I talked to a friend. She was a mutual friend and she knew both sides of the story and she did agree that the things that were said about me were out of line and indeed hurtful and unnecessary. But then she proceeded to tell me this amazing truth that has stuck with me. She said that "You are a daughter of the King and nothing anyone says can change that!" That changed my perspective so much. I had begun to believe that my mistakes defined who I was, that all of the mess I had made was now part of me that I couldn't escape from and because of that I could no longer be loved, especially by an Eternally Perfect God. But that's not true. My mistakes DON'T define me, what people say about me, the things that are hurtful, doesn't define me, it defines them and their character. I know I've made mistakes. I know I am not perfect. I know that I can create a lot of mess and just keep digging myself in deeper holes. I am aware of all of that. But I am also aware that I am eternally loved by an Eternally loving God! And He sees my mess and wipes me clean! Sure there is always going to be a mess to clean up afterwards, but God is right there cleaning it up for me, all I have to do is rely on Him and not take things into my own hands.

God loves me just as I am, a messy, dirty, sinner, but He loves me too much to leave me that way. I may not be loved or accepted by everyone here on earth. I may not be treated kindly or fairly by them. But I'mg okay with that because to God I am worth something and that is enough for me.

"You are More" -Tenth Avenue North
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IwtcwQwgdsA&ob=av2e

"Wait" by Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.

"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.


"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."

Eternal Perspective

God has been laying this on my heart a LOT recently. And I think that's because God has been really jealous of my affections lately. I haven't been giving God the love that He deserves. For the last 6 months I have been in a really great relationship, but being in that relationship, God wasn't getting the focus and so for a time now God has just been drawing me back to Himself. God has to be number one. My identity must be found in Him alone. I have to remember that I am already made whole in the completeness of Christ's love. I am not a half waiting for the "One" to come and find me and to sweep me off my feet. I am already everything I need to be in Christ.


   "You are complete. You can share yourself with others and enjoy their company, but if they leave for whatever reason, you will be OK because you have always been everything you need."

   Duane Alan Hahn

God made man and woman to be "one flesh", but He took two whole and complete people. So 1+1=1 in this case. And if a couple who isn't married, just dating and broke up the equation would be 1-1=1. You are still completely whole not by the other person, but by God! We must not focus all of ourselves on another person, for if we do, we are making that person out to be an idol. And that does not show love to God and God wants our whole hearts and the best we can give Him. It's tricky though, especially when you are in a relationship, because you do have to split your attention on God and on the one you love. But the thing is to know that by loving the person you are with can be a way to show love to God. It's not making the person to be an idol or putting them on a pedestal, instead it's loving them in a way that glorifies God. God created us to be reational beings! He is a triune God, He is in relationship with Himself with God the Father, Son and Holy Spirit all in relationship with one another. And we are made in His likeness, so therefore we are relational beings. So when we have desires to be with others it is not a bad thing. But we must keep in in perspective! We cannot lose sight of the end. Everything is made to glorify God and in the end He is all that matters. It doesn't matter if we get married or not, it doesn't matter if we got good enough grades to get into grad school, it doesn't matter if our theology was perfect or not. Once we get to heaven all that's going to matter is how much we are just going to want to worship our Lord and King and do nothing else for eternity.