Sunday, December 29, 2024
Private
No body really has a private life anymore. With all the social media, new technology, people can stay connected to everyone and everything 24/7. What that means is that hundreds, if not thousands of people have access to your life at all times. Which means they can go back to any point of any time and see what you did, what you ate, who you were with, and what you said. Your private life is no longer private. And what you say on your profile affects people. What you say has the potential to tear someone down or build someone up.
no one to blame but myself
i should've let go. i should've just moved on. none of this would've happened. i wouldn't be in the place i'm in now. things could've been so different. this whole mess could've been avoided and i wouldn't have to feel this much pain still. people tell me i should just let it go... a lot easier said than done when it haunts you everyday and you can't escape it. memories are hard to fade.
Losing
Have you ever felt like no matter what you did or how hard you tried, you just always seemed like the one losing in the end? Welcome to the last year and a half of my life. This past year has been hands-down the worst, most trying, difficult year I have ever had to struggle through thus far. Let's rewind the clock back to last August. It started off as another good month. Summer was nearing a close, it was going to be the start of my "Senior year" of college, which was supposed to be my last. My then boyfriend at the time had been with me for 6 months and things were looking great. Right before school started him and I celebrated 6 months together and were talking of plans for the future. But exactly one week later on August 28th is when things changed and my life was turned completely upside down. I went over to his place that night after work to watch a movie and just relax, which had been our nightly routine all summer, but this night was different. He seemed... off. After the movie was finished he asked me if I trusted him. I said of course, he had never given me any reason not to trust him ever- and that's when he told me he wanted to take a break from "us".
Not sure what exactly it was that he wanted or where he was going with this, I said sure- I'd go along with it, if that's what he wanted. He always told me that he wanted to get back together with me, that this was only temporary. Well, the break turned from weeks into months. I would constantly ask him what was going on- what it was that he wanted, because I felt like I was being dragged along for something that was never going to happen. But he assured me that we were going to get back together, so I trusted him.... and that's when the rumors started. People on campus started saying that he was playing me and another girl. I of course did not want to believe this. I thought that if he didn't feel like he could date me at the time, what would give him the time to date this other girl. So I asked him about it and what exactly was going on between him and her. He assured me that they were "just friends" until I found the Facebook messages between them with her asking if his roommates ever got made that she came over a lot to cuddle with him and everything.... I confronted him about this as soon as I saw it, and he denied that's what was going on and told me I shouldn't talk to her about it and just leave it alone... but I couldn't. I'm not that kind of person. I have to know the truth. I hate being lied to. I started asking what was really going on after I saw her wearing the sweatshirt he had given me to wear. That blew up in my face. She got all defensive at me and upset, claiming that she was with him now and that I should just move on and that I was a crazy psycho-ex that had issues about letting go... But in my mind I wasn't an ex- he still told me he wanted to be with me. So it hurt when I saw the mean things that were said about me on twitter or Facebook that this girl would write and he would just sit back and let it happen. I had to find out through this girl's best friend that my "boyfriend" and her would kiss and make-out whenever they were together... He even took her to our first date spot. All the while he still told me that nothing was going on and he wanted to be with me. That was in December. After New Year's I learned the whole truth about them- what was really going on, and he finally admitted to it. He apologized and told me he regretted everything with her. Even though I knew I shouldn't, I gave him a second chance. And even though we weren't officially dating- we pretty much acted like we were.
Still in January, my life took another turn when my grandpa passed away. It was really hard on me. With everything that had been going on dealing with losing him made everything doubly hard. My grades suffered even more, and even though he stopped seeing her, he still had not stopped being "friends" with this girl, even though he knew I wasn't comfortable with them hanging out because I knew she still had feelings for him, but he said they were just doing homework... so I let it slide. This brings us to February. After my grandpa died he took me to pet shops to pet puppies to cheer me up, and well one day, we brought one home. a BIG one. A Great Pyrenees/ Chow mix. 1 1/2 years old and already 80 pounds of pure fluff. Exactly the kind of dog I always wanted. March is when things started to look up again. After my choir tour to Arizona, him and I talked more seriously about getting back together officially. He was going off to camp for the summer and he made a promise that after camp was over we'd get back together. And I was hopeful.
Fast forward again to April and it was my birthday which was great. He brought me back trinkets from Florida which was sweet. But then he brought up the idea of getting a rifle. He had just gotten a hand gun for Christmas which I used a big chunk of my paycheck to help him pay for (all I got from him for Christmas was a lousy $14 dress that I was supposed to wear on New Years, but that never happened because he never ended taking me out because he took the other girl out to see Cinderella at the Ordway.... but I'm not bitter) Anyways now he wanted ANOTHER gun, and asked ME to open a credit card to pay for it for him while he was away at camp and was gonna get a tattoo also. Yeah. I told him no on that one. I wasn't going to pay $600 of money I didn't have to buy a gun he didn't need.
This brings us to May. School just ended and I helped him move back home the first week of summer. I was up there for a week and it was the best week I could've ever imagined. He was so sweet to me, made me amazing breakfast in the morning, had a Harry Potter marathon- we acted like we were dating and it all seemed promising. The day I was going home I remember him telling me these things: He was going to miss me like crazy and he wanted me to come visit in a few weeks to see him. We had gone to see a movie that night before I headed back home and before I left he gave me one last good-bye kiss and told me he loved me and couldn't wait till summer was over....
June: The first couple weeks he send me pictures of him at camp and the fun times they were having... then the texts stopped. Then he made promises to call me after I hadn't heard from him in a few weeks. Then The last week in June he said he needed to talk to me about something and he was going to call me... but never did. So I called him. and called him... and called him. I was worried something happend to him at camp because he told me he was going to call but never it. It was another week later- the frst week in July that he finally called and told me that he was thinking about going on this 11 month mission trip all around the world and that he didn't want me waiting for him. When I asked him what was really going on all he said was that he was done and I shouldn't try talking to him anymore.
I was shocked. What had just happened?! He litterally cut me off after that point. Blocked me on Facebook, Twitter, everything. So much for loving me... I had no idea what I did or why he was
Not sure what exactly it was that he wanted or where he was going with this, I said sure- I'd go along with it, if that's what he wanted. He always told me that he wanted to get back together with me, that this was only temporary. Well, the break turned from weeks into months. I would constantly ask him what was going on- what it was that he wanted, because I felt like I was being dragged along for something that was never going to happen. But he assured me that we were going to get back together, so I trusted him.... and that's when the rumors started. People on campus started saying that he was playing me and another girl. I of course did not want to believe this. I thought that if he didn't feel like he could date me at the time, what would give him the time to date this other girl. So I asked him about it and what exactly was going on between him and her. He assured me that they were "just friends" until I found the Facebook messages between them with her asking if his roommates ever got made that she came over a lot to cuddle with him and everything.... I confronted him about this as soon as I saw it, and he denied that's what was going on and told me I shouldn't talk to her about it and just leave it alone... but I couldn't. I'm not that kind of person. I have to know the truth. I hate being lied to. I started asking what was really going on after I saw her wearing the sweatshirt he had given me to wear. That blew up in my face. She got all defensive at me and upset, claiming that she was with him now and that I should just move on and that I was a crazy psycho-ex that had issues about letting go... But in my mind I wasn't an ex- he still told me he wanted to be with me. So it hurt when I saw the mean things that were said about me on twitter or Facebook that this girl would write and he would just sit back and let it happen. I had to find out through this girl's best friend that my "boyfriend" and her would kiss and make-out whenever they were together... He even took her to our first date spot. All the while he still told me that nothing was going on and he wanted to be with me. That was in December. After New Year's I learned the whole truth about them- what was really going on, and he finally admitted to it. He apologized and told me he regretted everything with her. Even though I knew I shouldn't, I gave him a second chance. And even though we weren't officially dating- we pretty much acted like we were.
Still in January, my life took another turn when my grandpa passed away. It was really hard on me. With everything that had been going on dealing with losing him made everything doubly hard. My grades suffered even more, and even though he stopped seeing her, he still had not stopped being "friends" with this girl, even though he knew I wasn't comfortable with them hanging out because I knew she still had feelings for him, but he said they were just doing homework... so I let it slide. This brings us to February. After my grandpa died he took me to pet shops to pet puppies to cheer me up, and well one day, we brought one home. a BIG one. A Great Pyrenees/ Chow mix. 1 1/2 years old and already 80 pounds of pure fluff. Exactly the kind of dog I always wanted. March is when things started to look up again. After my choir tour to Arizona, him and I talked more seriously about getting back together officially. He was going off to camp for the summer and he made a promise that after camp was over we'd get back together. And I was hopeful.
Fast forward again to April and it was my birthday which was great. He brought me back trinkets from Florida which was sweet. But then he brought up the idea of getting a rifle. He had just gotten a hand gun for Christmas which I used a big chunk of my paycheck to help him pay for (all I got from him for Christmas was a lousy $14 dress that I was supposed to wear on New Years, but that never happened because he never ended taking me out because he took the other girl out to see Cinderella at the Ordway.... but I'm not bitter) Anyways now he wanted ANOTHER gun, and asked ME to open a credit card to pay for it for him while he was away at camp and was gonna get a tattoo also. Yeah. I told him no on that one. I wasn't going to pay $600 of money I didn't have to buy a gun he didn't need.
This brings us to May. School just ended and I helped him move back home the first week of summer. I was up there for a week and it was the best week I could've ever imagined. He was so sweet to me, made me amazing breakfast in the morning, had a Harry Potter marathon- we acted like we were dating and it all seemed promising. The day I was going home I remember him telling me these things: He was going to miss me like crazy and he wanted me to come visit in a few weeks to see him. We had gone to see a movie that night before I headed back home and before I left he gave me one last good-bye kiss and told me he loved me and couldn't wait till summer was over....
June: The first couple weeks he send me pictures of him at camp and the fun times they were having... then the texts stopped. Then he made promises to call me after I hadn't heard from him in a few weeks. Then The last week in June he said he needed to talk to me about something and he was going to call me... but never did. So I called him. and called him... and called him. I was worried something happend to him at camp because he told me he was going to call but never it. It was another week later- the frst week in July that he finally called and told me that he was thinking about going on this 11 month mission trip all around the world and that he didn't want me waiting for him. When I asked him what was really going on all he said was that he was done and I shouldn't try talking to him anymore.
I was shocked. What had just happened?! He litterally cut me off after that point. Blocked me on Facebook, Twitter, everything. So much for loving me... I had no idea what I did or why he was
the waiting game
patience is a virtue. at least that's what everyone says. what does that even mean? a virtue is an admirable quality and patience is quiet, steady perseverance. so put those two together and you have something that is good apparently. But how does one do that? how does someone wait patiently? how is someone supposed to just sit there and WAIT?! Waiting has got to be one of the WORST experiences ever! because you are unsure of the outcome- you don't REALLY know what's going to come of your waiting- was it worth it or did you just waste your time waiting for something that never happened? Waiting is hard. People will think you're crazy. YOU will think you're crazy! Waiting, however, involves something a clear answer does not- risk. it's a risk to wait and be unsure of the future. It involves trust and faith and stepping out of your safe little comfort zone of "knowing" all the details. Yeah, i've been there. I know how it feels to wait around for something i know might never come, but to me it's worth it because of the potential outcome that can come from it. To me that makes it worth the risk. Yeah it sucks that i dont have all the answers, and it sucks doubting myself all the time, always second guessing if i'm actually doing the right thing or not. And who knows, maybe im not doing the right thing... maybe i am. I guess we'll see. Waiting involves relying on God because only He knows what's going to happen. Gosh that's humbling! I think right now God is re-teaching me this lesson of waiting because He knows that i suck at it. He also knows that i can grow so much from it. Waiting has given me a lot of time to think and focus on where i am with God and myself... where am i in my relationship with God? am i growing in my faith? how am i doing as far as where i'm putting my identity? is it in God and being a child of God or am i putting my identity and self-worth in other people? Honestly, it's been the latter.
Friday, December 28, 2012
Intentionally Untitled
This year has been quite the year, to say it simply. A lot has happened these 365 days and I hope that some of these experiences are some that I never have to repeat ever, or at least for a very long time.
People say that God tests our faith during trying times. If that's so then this whole year has been one test after another and I never really got to recover after each previous test before getting thrown into another. It was like I was on this sinking ship going no where trying to stay afloat using a little cup to throw out the water that was engulfing my ship that is my life. I was a losing battle.
To begin the story of this past year, we have to rewind to last August. It was right before the beginning of my 1st senior year of college. Everything in my life was looking grand and happy and all put together. Just the way life should be. And of course, just like any good cinematic drama, we all know that that's the point in the story where things do a flip and the person's life is turned around.
I won't go into the whole story out of respect for the other people (girl) involved, but this is how it went down, my then boyfriend and I took a break right after the beginning of my 1st senior year. It was hard, especially since we had just celebrated 6 months together. He wanted a break from us to clear his head to be sure that we were right for each other. The whole time he kept telling me how much he loved me and wanted to be with me and that he just needed time alone to figure things out. But what I didn't know is that he had been cheating on me with someone else. And that just BROKE my heart. I loved this guy SO much that I would do ANYTHING for him and this is what he does?! I couldn't understand it. How was I not good enough? I kept asking myself, and him, what she had that I didn't? It hurt even more when rumors about me started going around campus and he stood idly by and let them happen.
I think I'm less angry at the people who were saying the rumors and more angry at my friends who knew what was going on but did nothing about it. No one said anything or did anything to stop it. So this continued well into my second semester. By this time I had become depressed and withdrawn from a lot of things. I hardly went onto campus because I couldn't stand seeing her or the other people who talked about me. It hurt too much and I couldn't understand why I was getting the blame for all this. Things only got worse after my grandpa passed away the end of last January. He was the first family member of mine that I knew that passed away. So starting off my new semester was already a rocky start.
Things were looking better with my boyfriend and I, seeing as he had stopped seeing this other girl... Or so I thought. I guess they didn't actually stop seeing each other until February, which was right around the time him and I were supposed to celebrate our one-year anniversary together. That never happened. He kept saying he needed more time to figure things out. It was always the answer from him-more time. But we acted like we were dating, he treated me like we were dating, we did everything a dating couple did except officially say we were dating. Fast forward to the end of the school year. I was finished with finals, and helping him move back home up north to start his summer at camp. (I never graduated because of the stress from that year's events). I stayed with him at his parents house in his small town up north for a week to spend time with him before he went away all summer for camp. I just remember the last thing he told me as he kissed me goodbye is that he couldn't wait till summer was over so he could see me again and we could be tougher-officially.
That never came. It was about early July when one day I woke up and tried to get ahold of him only to find out he had literally cut me out of his life overnight with no explanation and no warning. My summer consisted of countless fights and arguments with him with me yelling at him begging him to tell me why he was doing this and what I did wrong to make him treat me like such shit (sorry). He was disrespectful to me ever time we talked and it made my life a living hell.
I wanted nothing more than to understand why this was happening and no one could seem to give me an answer.
It toke me 2 1/2 months to get all my stuff back from him. And a half-ass apology. I learned that only a little over a month and a half after he dumped me he started seeing a girl that he would regularly flirt with while he was cheating on me. And it just made me so MAD! At him, at myself and at everyone that was involved (or the lack there of). I was mad at him for putting me through this when I deserved so much better, I was mad at myself for believing all his lies. I was upset because I still couldn't figure out WHY I wasn't good enough for him (not that I wanted to be at this point because of how much of a jerk he was). And to top all that off my grandma passed away just a little over 2 weeks after he promised that we could talk when he came to town.... That never happened.
I lost a lot of people I loved this year. My heart had been so broken by so many things- death, disappointments, neglect, disrespect. It has been a test in every part. I regret a lot of my actions last year. I know that I hurt a lot of people too out of jealousy and being hurt myself. There's not a day that goes by that I don't wish that I had acted differently...acted better. I learned this year that I am not a strong person at all. In fact I'm very weak and fallible. I'll be the first to admit that I did a lot of wrong last year. I learned just how much of a sinner I can be. And the truth is, that if I actually wrote out all of my sins, most people wouldn't want to be around me. I'm not as nice as I pretend to be.
While it looks like this story has a lot to do with my ex and how much of a horrible person he is, it's not. It's about me. It's about how this past year God tested me beyond my breaking point. He showed me that I do suck as a person in every way possible. I'm not all sweat and innocent as I come off. There's a lot of evil in me. He broke me past the point in myself where I am so comfortable relying on myself for everything. Relying on my own self in my relationships, in my problems, in my conflicts with other people. God broke me to the point that it FORCED me to rely on Him! And he taught me that in one of the cruelest, most loving ways when my ex-boyfriend cheated on me, lied continuously to me, and dumped me. It made me realize that the only person I can depend on is Christ. He is my true love. He is the one that is continually pursuing my heart. He is the one that will never forsake me when the world seems unsure and troublesome.
And while it hurts to lose people you love, you grow a lot out of it. I have much more sympathy for hurting people. It gave me a passion for people in broken relationships. It made me more accepting of other people's downfalls because I am more acutely aware of my own.
So while this year is one I wish to never repeat, I am grateful for the lessons God has taught me in it.
People say that God tests our faith during trying times. If that's so then this whole year has been one test after another and I never really got to recover after each previous test before getting thrown into another. It was like I was on this sinking ship going no where trying to stay afloat using a little cup to throw out the water that was engulfing my ship that is my life. I was a losing battle.
To begin the story of this past year, we have to rewind to last August. It was right before the beginning of my 1st senior year of college. Everything in my life was looking grand and happy and all put together. Just the way life should be. And of course, just like any good cinematic drama, we all know that that's the point in the story where things do a flip and the person's life is turned around.
I won't go into the whole story out of respect for the other people (girl) involved, but this is how it went down, my then boyfriend and I took a break right after the beginning of my 1st senior year. It was hard, especially since we had just celebrated 6 months together. He wanted a break from us to clear his head to be sure that we were right for each other. The whole time he kept telling me how much he loved me and wanted to be with me and that he just needed time alone to figure things out. But what I didn't know is that he had been cheating on me with someone else. And that just BROKE my heart. I loved this guy SO much that I would do ANYTHING for him and this is what he does?! I couldn't understand it. How was I not good enough? I kept asking myself, and him, what she had that I didn't? It hurt even more when rumors about me started going around campus and he stood idly by and let them happen.
I think I'm less angry at the people who were saying the rumors and more angry at my friends who knew what was going on but did nothing about it. No one said anything or did anything to stop it. So this continued well into my second semester. By this time I had become depressed and withdrawn from a lot of things. I hardly went onto campus because I couldn't stand seeing her or the other people who talked about me. It hurt too much and I couldn't understand why I was getting the blame for all this. Things only got worse after my grandpa passed away the end of last January. He was the first family member of mine that I knew that passed away. So starting off my new semester was already a rocky start.
Things were looking better with my boyfriend and I, seeing as he had stopped seeing this other girl... Or so I thought. I guess they didn't actually stop seeing each other until February, which was right around the time him and I were supposed to celebrate our one-year anniversary together. That never happened. He kept saying he needed more time to figure things out. It was always the answer from him-more time. But we acted like we were dating, he treated me like we were dating, we did everything a dating couple did except officially say we were dating. Fast forward to the end of the school year. I was finished with finals, and helping him move back home up north to start his summer at camp. (I never graduated because of the stress from that year's events). I stayed with him at his parents house in his small town up north for a week to spend time with him before he went away all summer for camp. I just remember the last thing he told me as he kissed me goodbye is that he couldn't wait till summer was over so he could see me again and we could be tougher-officially.
That never came. It was about early July when one day I woke up and tried to get ahold of him only to find out he had literally cut me out of his life overnight with no explanation and no warning. My summer consisted of countless fights and arguments with him with me yelling at him begging him to tell me why he was doing this and what I did wrong to make him treat me like such shit (sorry). He was disrespectful to me ever time we talked and it made my life a living hell.
I wanted nothing more than to understand why this was happening and no one could seem to give me an answer.
It toke me 2 1/2 months to get all my stuff back from him. And a half-ass apology. I learned that only a little over a month and a half after he dumped me he started seeing a girl that he would regularly flirt with while he was cheating on me. And it just made me so MAD! At him, at myself and at everyone that was involved (or the lack there of). I was mad at him for putting me through this when I deserved so much better, I was mad at myself for believing all his lies. I was upset because I still couldn't figure out WHY I wasn't good enough for him (not that I wanted to be at this point because of how much of a jerk he was). And to top all that off my grandma passed away just a little over 2 weeks after he promised that we could talk when he came to town.... That never happened.
I lost a lot of people I loved this year. My heart had been so broken by so many things- death, disappointments, neglect, disrespect. It has been a test in every part. I regret a lot of my actions last year. I know that I hurt a lot of people too out of jealousy and being hurt myself. There's not a day that goes by that I don't wish that I had acted differently...acted better. I learned this year that I am not a strong person at all. In fact I'm very weak and fallible. I'll be the first to admit that I did a lot of wrong last year. I learned just how much of a sinner I can be. And the truth is, that if I actually wrote out all of my sins, most people wouldn't want to be around me. I'm not as nice as I pretend to be.
While it looks like this story has a lot to do with my ex and how much of a horrible person he is, it's not. It's about me. It's about how this past year God tested me beyond my breaking point. He showed me that I do suck as a person in every way possible. I'm not all sweat and innocent as I come off. There's a lot of evil in me. He broke me past the point in myself where I am so comfortable relying on myself for everything. Relying on my own self in my relationships, in my problems, in my conflicts with other people. God broke me to the point that it FORCED me to rely on Him! And he taught me that in one of the cruelest, most loving ways when my ex-boyfriend cheated on me, lied continuously to me, and dumped me. It made me realize that the only person I can depend on is Christ. He is my true love. He is the one that is continually pursuing my heart. He is the one that will never forsake me when the world seems unsure and troublesome.
And while it hurts to lose people you love, you grow a lot out of it. I have much more sympathy for hurting people. It gave me a passion for people in broken relationships. It made me more accepting of other people's downfalls because I am more acutely aware of my own.
So while this year is one I wish to never repeat, I am grateful for the lessons God has taught me in it.
Friday, September 7, 2012
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Choose LOVE
Via http://kaideemarie.tumblr.com/
"Choose love, even when love is the last thing you want to give, because absolutely nothing you are is your own. You are a product of grace and every single part of you exists simply because He does. He needs to be what people see every single time, especially in those instances when you’re feeling bitter or angry at someone. Especially when all you want to do is leave. Especially when you’ve been disrespected and ridiculed and let down. Always choose the beat of God’s heart over your own, because there are too many cold hearts in this world and not enough that beat to the rhythm of love. You were not created to react to things like everyone else does."
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