This year has been quite the year, to say it simply. A lot has happened these 365 days and I hope that some of these experiences are some that I never have to repeat ever, or at least for a very long time.
People say that God tests our faith during trying times. If that's so then this whole year has been one test after another and I never really got to recover after each previous test before getting thrown into another. It was like I was on this sinking ship going no where trying to stay afloat using a little cup to throw out the water that was engulfing my ship that is my life. I was a losing battle.
To begin the story of this past year, we have to rewind to last August. It was right before the beginning of my 1st senior year of college. Everything in my life was looking grand and happy and all put together. Just the way life should be. And of course, just like any good cinematic drama, we all know that that's the point in the story where things do a flip and the person's life is turned around.
I won't go into the whole story out of respect for the other people (girl) involved, but this is how it went down, my then boyfriend and I took a break right after the beginning of my 1st senior year. It was hard, especially since we had just celebrated 6 months together. He wanted a break from us to clear his head to be sure that we were right for each other. The whole time he kept telling me how much he loved me and wanted to be with me and that he just needed time alone to figure things out. But what I didn't know is that he had been cheating on me with someone else. And that just BROKE my heart. I loved this guy SO much that I would do ANYTHING for him and this is what he does?! I couldn't understand it. How was I not good enough? I kept asking myself, and him, what she had that I didn't? It hurt even more when rumors about me started going around campus and he stood idly by and let them happen.
I think I'm less angry at the people who were saying the rumors and more angry at my friends who knew what was going on but did nothing about it. No one said anything or did anything to stop it. So this continued well into my second semester. By this time I had become depressed and withdrawn from a lot of things. I hardly went onto campus because I couldn't stand seeing her or the other people who talked about me. It hurt too much and I couldn't understand why I was getting the blame for all this. Things only got worse after my grandpa passed away the end of last January. He was the first family member of mine that I knew that passed away. So starting off my new semester was already a rocky start.
Things were looking better with my boyfriend and I, seeing as he had stopped seeing this other girl... Or so I thought. I guess they didn't actually stop seeing each other until February, which was right around the time him and I were supposed to celebrate our one-year anniversary together. That never happened. He kept saying he needed more time to figure things out. It was always the answer from him-more time. But we acted like we were dating, he treated me like we were dating, we did everything a dating couple did except officially say we were dating. Fast forward to the end of the school year. I was finished with finals, and helping him move back home up north to start his summer at camp. (I never graduated because of the stress from that year's events). I stayed with him at his parents house in his small town up north for a week to spend time with him before he went away all summer for camp. I just remember the last thing he told me as he kissed me goodbye is that he couldn't wait till summer was over so he could see me again and we could be tougher-officially.
That never came. It was about early July when one day I woke up and tried to get ahold of him only to find out he had literally cut me out of his life overnight with no explanation and no warning. My summer consisted of countless fights and arguments with him with me yelling at him begging him to tell me why he was doing this and what I did wrong to make him treat me like such shit (sorry). He was disrespectful to me ever time we talked and it made my life a living hell.
I wanted nothing more than to understand why this was happening and no one could seem to give me an answer.
It toke me 2 1/2 months to get all my stuff back from him. And a half-ass apology. I learned that only a little over a month and a half after he dumped me he started seeing a girl that he would regularly flirt with while he was cheating on me. And it just made me so MAD! At him, at myself and at everyone that was involved (or the lack there of). I was mad at him for putting me through this when I deserved so much better, I was mad at myself for believing all his lies. I was upset because I still couldn't figure out WHY I wasn't good enough for him (not that I wanted to be at this point because of how much of a jerk he was). And to top all that off my grandma passed away just a little over 2 weeks after he promised that we could talk when he came to town.... That never happened.
I lost a lot of people I loved this year. My heart had been so broken by so many things- death, disappointments, neglect, disrespect. It has been a test in every part. I regret a lot of my actions last year. I know that I hurt a lot of people too out of jealousy and being hurt myself. There's not a day that goes by that I don't wish that I had acted differently...acted better. I learned this year that I am not a strong person at all. In fact I'm very weak and fallible. I'll be the first to admit that I did a lot of wrong last year. I learned just how much of a sinner I can be. And the truth is, that if I actually wrote out all of my sins, most people wouldn't want to be around me. I'm not as nice as I pretend to be.
While it looks like this story has a lot to do with my ex and how much of a horrible person he is, it's not. It's about me. It's about how this past year God tested me beyond my breaking point. He showed me that I do suck as a person in every way possible. I'm not all sweat and innocent as I come off. There's a lot of evil in me. He broke me past the point in myself where I am so comfortable relying on myself for everything. Relying on my own self in my relationships, in my problems, in my conflicts with other people. God broke me to the point that it FORCED me to rely on Him! And he taught me that in one of the cruelest, most loving ways when my ex-boyfriend cheated on me, lied continuously to me, and dumped me. It made me realize that the only person I can depend on is Christ. He is my true love. He is the one that is continually pursuing my heart. He is the one that will never forsake me when the world seems unsure and troublesome.
And while it hurts to lose people you love, you grow a lot out of it. I have much more sympathy for hurting people. It gave me a passion for people in broken relationships. It made me more accepting of other people's downfalls because I am more acutely aware of my own.
So while this year is one I wish to never repeat, I am grateful for the lessons God has taught me in it.
No comments:
Post a Comment