Sunday, December 29, 2024
Private
No body really has a private life anymore. With all the social media, new technology, people can stay connected to everyone and everything 24/7. What that means is that hundreds, if not thousands of people have access to your life at all times. Which means they can go back to any point of any time and see what you did, what you ate, who you were with, and what you said. Your private life is no longer private. And what you say on your profile affects people. What you say has the potential to tear someone down or build someone up.
no one to blame but myself
i should've let go. i should've just moved on. none of this would've happened. i wouldn't be in the place i'm in now. things could've been so different. this whole mess could've been avoided and i wouldn't have to feel this much pain still. people tell me i should just let it go... a lot easier said than done when it haunts you everyday and you can't escape it. memories are hard to fade.
Losing
Have you ever felt like no matter what you did or how hard you tried, you just always seemed like the one losing in the end? Welcome to the last year and a half of my life. This past year has been hands-down the worst, most trying, difficult year I have ever had to struggle through thus far. Let's rewind the clock back to last August. It started off as another good month. Summer was nearing a close, it was going to be the start of my "Senior year" of college, which was supposed to be my last. My then boyfriend at the time had been with me for 6 months and things were looking great. Right before school started him and I celebrated 6 months together and were talking of plans for the future. But exactly one week later on August 28th is when things changed and my life was turned completely upside down. I went over to his place that night after work to watch a movie and just relax, which had been our nightly routine all summer, but this night was different. He seemed... off. After the movie was finished he asked me if I trusted him. I said of course, he had never given me any reason not to trust him ever- and that's when he told me he wanted to take a break from "us".
Not sure what exactly it was that he wanted or where he was going with this, I said sure- I'd go along with it, if that's what he wanted. He always told me that he wanted to get back together with me, that this was only temporary. Well, the break turned from weeks into months. I would constantly ask him what was going on- what it was that he wanted, because I felt like I was being dragged along for something that was never going to happen. But he assured me that we were going to get back together, so I trusted him.... and that's when the rumors started. People on campus started saying that he was playing me and another girl. I of course did not want to believe this. I thought that if he didn't feel like he could date me at the time, what would give him the time to date this other girl. So I asked him about it and what exactly was going on between him and her. He assured me that they were "just friends" until I found the Facebook messages between them with her asking if his roommates ever got made that she came over a lot to cuddle with him and everything.... I confronted him about this as soon as I saw it, and he denied that's what was going on and told me I shouldn't talk to her about it and just leave it alone... but I couldn't. I'm not that kind of person. I have to know the truth. I hate being lied to. I started asking what was really going on after I saw her wearing the sweatshirt he had given me to wear. That blew up in my face. She got all defensive at me and upset, claiming that she was with him now and that I should just move on and that I was a crazy psycho-ex that had issues about letting go... But in my mind I wasn't an ex- he still told me he wanted to be with me. So it hurt when I saw the mean things that were said about me on twitter or Facebook that this girl would write and he would just sit back and let it happen. I had to find out through this girl's best friend that my "boyfriend" and her would kiss and make-out whenever they were together... He even took her to our first date spot. All the while he still told me that nothing was going on and he wanted to be with me. That was in December. After New Year's I learned the whole truth about them- what was really going on, and he finally admitted to it. He apologized and told me he regretted everything with her. Even though I knew I shouldn't, I gave him a second chance. And even though we weren't officially dating- we pretty much acted like we were.
Still in January, my life took another turn when my grandpa passed away. It was really hard on me. With everything that had been going on dealing with losing him made everything doubly hard. My grades suffered even more, and even though he stopped seeing her, he still had not stopped being "friends" with this girl, even though he knew I wasn't comfortable with them hanging out because I knew she still had feelings for him, but he said they were just doing homework... so I let it slide. This brings us to February. After my grandpa died he took me to pet shops to pet puppies to cheer me up, and well one day, we brought one home. a BIG one. A Great Pyrenees/ Chow mix. 1 1/2 years old and already 80 pounds of pure fluff. Exactly the kind of dog I always wanted. March is when things started to look up again. After my choir tour to Arizona, him and I talked more seriously about getting back together officially. He was going off to camp for the summer and he made a promise that after camp was over we'd get back together. And I was hopeful.
Fast forward again to April and it was my birthday which was great. He brought me back trinkets from Florida which was sweet. But then he brought up the idea of getting a rifle. He had just gotten a hand gun for Christmas which I used a big chunk of my paycheck to help him pay for (all I got from him for Christmas was a lousy $14 dress that I was supposed to wear on New Years, but that never happened because he never ended taking me out because he took the other girl out to see Cinderella at the Ordway.... but I'm not bitter) Anyways now he wanted ANOTHER gun, and asked ME to open a credit card to pay for it for him while he was away at camp and was gonna get a tattoo also. Yeah. I told him no on that one. I wasn't going to pay $600 of money I didn't have to buy a gun he didn't need.
This brings us to May. School just ended and I helped him move back home the first week of summer. I was up there for a week and it was the best week I could've ever imagined. He was so sweet to me, made me amazing breakfast in the morning, had a Harry Potter marathon- we acted like we were dating and it all seemed promising. The day I was going home I remember him telling me these things: He was going to miss me like crazy and he wanted me to come visit in a few weeks to see him. We had gone to see a movie that night before I headed back home and before I left he gave me one last good-bye kiss and told me he loved me and couldn't wait till summer was over....
June: The first couple weeks he send me pictures of him at camp and the fun times they were having... then the texts stopped. Then he made promises to call me after I hadn't heard from him in a few weeks. Then The last week in June he said he needed to talk to me about something and he was going to call me... but never did. So I called him. and called him... and called him. I was worried something happend to him at camp because he told me he was going to call but never it. It was another week later- the frst week in July that he finally called and told me that he was thinking about going on this 11 month mission trip all around the world and that he didn't want me waiting for him. When I asked him what was really going on all he said was that he was done and I shouldn't try talking to him anymore.
I was shocked. What had just happened?! He litterally cut me off after that point. Blocked me on Facebook, Twitter, everything. So much for loving me... I had no idea what I did or why he was
Not sure what exactly it was that he wanted or where he was going with this, I said sure- I'd go along with it, if that's what he wanted. He always told me that he wanted to get back together with me, that this was only temporary. Well, the break turned from weeks into months. I would constantly ask him what was going on- what it was that he wanted, because I felt like I was being dragged along for something that was never going to happen. But he assured me that we were going to get back together, so I trusted him.... and that's when the rumors started. People on campus started saying that he was playing me and another girl. I of course did not want to believe this. I thought that if he didn't feel like he could date me at the time, what would give him the time to date this other girl. So I asked him about it and what exactly was going on between him and her. He assured me that they were "just friends" until I found the Facebook messages between them with her asking if his roommates ever got made that she came over a lot to cuddle with him and everything.... I confronted him about this as soon as I saw it, and he denied that's what was going on and told me I shouldn't talk to her about it and just leave it alone... but I couldn't. I'm not that kind of person. I have to know the truth. I hate being lied to. I started asking what was really going on after I saw her wearing the sweatshirt he had given me to wear. That blew up in my face. She got all defensive at me and upset, claiming that she was with him now and that I should just move on and that I was a crazy psycho-ex that had issues about letting go... But in my mind I wasn't an ex- he still told me he wanted to be with me. So it hurt when I saw the mean things that were said about me on twitter or Facebook that this girl would write and he would just sit back and let it happen. I had to find out through this girl's best friend that my "boyfriend" and her would kiss and make-out whenever they were together... He even took her to our first date spot. All the while he still told me that nothing was going on and he wanted to be with me. That was in December. After New Year's I learned the whole truth about them- what was really going on, and he finally admitted to it. He apologized and told me he regretted everything with her. Even though I knew I shouldn't, I gave him a second chance. And even though we weren't officially dating- we pretty much acted like we were.
Still in January, my life took another turn when my grandpa passed away. It was really hard on me. With everything that had been going on dealing with losing him made everything doubly hard. My grades suffered even more, and even though he stopped seeing her, he still had not stopped being "friends" with this girl, even though he knew I wasn't comfortable with them hanging out because I knew she still had feelings for him, but he said they were just doing homework... so I let it slide. This brings us to February. After my grandpa died he took me to pet shops to pet puppies to cheer me up, and well one day, we brought one home. a BIG one. A Great Pyrenees/ Chow mix. 1 1/2 years old and already 80 pounds of pure fluff. Exactly the kind of dog I always wanted. March is when things started to look up again. After my choir tour to Arizona, him and I talked more seriously about getting back together officially. He was going off to camp for the summer and he made a promise that after camp was over we'd get back together. And I was hopeful.
Fast forward again to April and it was my birthday which was great. He brought me back trinkets from Florida which was sweet. But then he brought up the idea of getting a rifle. He had just gotten a hand gun for Christmas which I used a big chunk of my paycheck to help him pay for (all I got from him for Christmas was a lousy $14 dress that I was supposed to wear on New Years, but that never happened because he never ended taking me out because he took the other girl out to see Cinderella at the Ordway.... but I'm not bitter) Anyways now he wanted ANOTHER gun, and asked ME to open a credit card to pay for it for him while he was away at camp and was gonna get a tattoo also. Yeah. I told him no on that one. I wasn't going to pay $600 of money I didn't have to buy a gun he didn't need.
This brings us to May. School just ended and I helped him move back home the first week of summer. I was up there for a week and it was the best week I could've ever imagined. He was so sweet to me, made me amazing breakfast in the morning, had a Harry Potter marathon- we acted like we were dating and it all seemed promising. The day I was going home I remember him telling me these things: He was going to miss me like crazy and he wanted me to come visit in a few weeks to see him. We had gone to see a movie that night before I headed back home and before I left he gave me one last good-bye kiss and told me he loved me and couldn't wait till summer was over....
June: The first couple weeks he send me pictures of him at camp and the fun times they were having... then the texts stopped. Then he made promises to call me after I hadn't heard from him in a few weeks. Then The last week in June he said he needed to talk to me about something and he was going to call me... but never did. So I called him. and called him... and called him. I was worried something happend to him at camp because he told me he was going to call but never it. It was another week later- the frst week in July that he finally called and told me that he was thinking about going on this 11 month mission trip all around the world and that he didn't want me waiting for him. When I asked him what was really going on all he said was that he was done and I shouldn't try talking to him anymore.
I was shocked. What had just happened?! He litterally cut me off after that point. Blocked me on Facebook, Twitter, everything. So much for loving me... I had no idea what I did or why he was
the waiting game
patience is a virtue. at least that's what everyone says. what does that even mean? a virtue is an admirable quality and patience is quiet, steady perseverance. so put those two together and you have something that is good apparently. But how does one do that? how does someone wait patiently? how is someone supposed to just sit there and WAIT?! Waiting has got to be one of the WORST experiences ever! because you are unsure of the outcome- you don't REALLY know what's going to come of your waiting- was it worth it or did you just waste your time waiting for something that never happened? Waiting is hard. People will think you're crazy. YOU will think you're crazy! Waiting, however, involves something a clear answer does not- risk. it's a risk to wait and be unsure of the future. It involves trust and faith and stepping out of your safe little comfort zone of "knowing" all the details. Yeah, i've been there. I know how it feels to wait around for something i know might never come, but to me it's worth it because of the potential outcome that can come from it. To me that makes it worth the risk. Yeah it sucks that i dont have all the answers, and it sucks doubting myself all the time, always second guessing if i'm actually doing the right thing or not. And who knows, maybe im not doing the right thing... maybe i am. I guess we'll see. Waiting involves relying on God because only He knows what's going to happen. Gosh that's humbling! I think right now God is re-teaching me this lesson of waiting because He knows that i suck at it. He also knows that i can grow so much from it. Waiting has given me a lot of time to think and focus on where i am with God and myself... where am i in my relationship with God? am i growing in my faith? how am i doing as far as where i'm putting my identity? is it in God and being a child of God or am i putting my identity and self-worth in other people? Honestly, it's been the latter.
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