It's been a while since I've written anything. A lot has happened within the past few months. A lot of growth, a lot of learning, a lot of hurt and a lot of forgiving and trying to move forward. Life is hard sometimes for no reason at all. And it throws us a curve ball when we've least expected it. This year I've had a lot of crap thrown at me and I did not respond well to some of it, which I am not proud of in the least! But I also know that a lot of the crap that I got afterwards I did not deserve and no one should ever have to go through what I went through and be treated like I was. Things were said about me that were far from true and it was because one person had their mind made up that I was intentionally out to get them, when in fact, all I wanted was for my voice to be heard that I was still hurting.
Things got way out of hand so fast and being a very emotional girl, I was caught up in the drama of it all. And I hated that. But what I hated the most is that I was trying to fix things and make things right, but after apologizing countless times, the mean words kept on coming. One can only take what someone says for so long before those words really start to penetrate and do damage. I've always been super sensitive. In middle school I was always made fun of for being a cry-baby. I take that, I know that that is part of who I am. I'm sensitive and emotional. God gave me a big heart. So I really was honestly hurt that I hurt this girl in such a way that it would cause her to act this way to me, but I was also hurt that my sincere attempts to seek forgiveness were thrown back in my face and nothing changed.
That's when the rumors started. Rumors about how I was all of these horrible things (names I won't even mention on here because they're crude and vulgar) I don't know where they came from or who said what, but the thing is that hurtful things were said that WERE intentionally meant to hurt me and tear me down. And this is happening at a "CHRISTIAN" college. My biggest frustration is that no one seemed to stop it. It got so bad that I eventually started avoided campus as much as possible as to avoid running into certain people and to avoid hearing the things people said about me.
Words HURT. And I don't care who you are, or how "tough" you make yourself out to be, if you get called hurtful names for so long, it will break you down and you start to believe that this is what you actually are. I was called a "crazy-psycho ex" and multiple of other things, and I eventually started believing that and hating myself for being that way. I believed that there was something wrong with me and that I wasn't good enough. And that hurt. I felt isolated and alone.
But then I talked to a friend. She was a mutual friend and she knew both sides of the story and she did agree that the things that were said about me were out of line and indeed hurtful and unnecessary. But then she proceeded to tell me this amazing truth that has stuck with me. She said that "You are a daughter of the King and nothing anyone says can change that!" That changed my perspective so much. I had begun to believe that my mistakes defined who I was, that all of the mess I had made was now part of me that I couldn't escape from and because of that I could no longer be loved, especially by an Eternally Perfect God. But that's not true. My mistakes DON'T define me, what people say about me, the things that are hurtful, doesn't define me, it defines them and their character. I know I've made mistakes. I know I am not perfect. I know that I can create a lot of mess and just keep digging myself in deeper holes. I am aware of all of that. But I am also aware that I am eternally loved by an Eternally loving God! And He sees my mess and wipes me clean! Sure there is always going to be a mess to clean up afterwards, but God is right there cleaning it up for me, all I have to do is rely on Him and not take things into my own hands.
God loves me just as I am, a messy, dirty, sinner, but He loves me too much to leave me that way. I may not be loved or accepted by everyone here on earth. I may not be treated kindly or fairly by them. But I'mg okay with that because to God I am worth something and that is enough for me.
"You are More" -Tenth Avenue North
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IwtcwQwgdsA&ob=av2e
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